Soulless

Like diamonds, the truth is a precious, but artificially rare commodity.

I may expound later on what made that come to mind. But for now, sleep. I just thought it should be recorded.

It seems the only ones I can keep are the negative injunctions ("don't do this"). I guess it's because it's easier to have a pang of guilt right before you do something, then stop, than it is to get a spur to get off your ass and do something. I think the setting aside time to be creative got turned into setting aside time to go into lab.

I think, though, that the no posting without exercise is misguided. This semester, I haven't really had that much free time even for dancing (with the exception of one wonderful weekend). And I think since this LJ is a link to a lot of people, it doesn't seem right to completely cut myself off. So basically, I think I'm going to let that restriction go. I haven't even really been that depressive lately, so the whole endorphins to make me feel better theory doesn't make sense in practice.

As long as I'm looking back on 6 month old resolutions, the composition books for notes has been a big success, I think. They've stayed together well after a semester and a half (I'm a cheapskate and reused them from one semester to the next for totally unrelated classes), and keep things in a nice, easily referable order.

How else has life been? Thesis busy. I feel like I haven't made as much progress as I should have, but plans are in place for post-spring break to get lots of data. *crosses fingers*.

Also, I got roped into Sound Designing for the Flood, PUP's latest musical. It ended up being a lot more work than I was expecting, especially when the person who was supposed to run sound had unspecified medical emergency and couldn't be there for the second week of the show. Kindof an interesting bookend for my Princeton stage career. First and last credits are for sound designing a show in Matthews.

This is the first credit I've earned in a long while, and it's been even longer since I've actually posted something earned off a credit (I have written some things, but they are going to remain private for the foreseeable future). Of my new years' resolutions, this is one I've actually kept, mainly by not doing something. The other one that involved not doing things has also been largely kept. I've sortof rejiggered the parameters, so basically I am selecta-tarian: Given the choice between eating meat and eating a halfway reasonable vegetarian option, I'll select the latter. Joy lent me The Omnivores Dilemma, which has largely reinforced this view. One need not be entirely vegetarian, but knowing where your food comes from is dangerous, if you don't want to change.

Hmm... what else has been going on. Finals went okay. Had some irregular sleep periods, but nothing too bad. Until, two days after my last final, I didn't wake up until 3:30PM, then the next night (last night) didn't sleep at all. And now I am, remarkably, not tired. This could be problematical. At least I have a week to try and get it back on track.

It has been suggested that I do something interesting for at least a couple days this intersession, rather than just living in lab, as I had planned. Other than a trip to Montreal, which could be long, cold, and boring, no specifics have been proposed, so I dunno. Plus, what with Viennese Ball, I don't want to drop too much more money/time on travel. That'll be definitely worth it, if too short.

Well, off to bed to try to sleep... wish me luck!

Well, it ain't the testing... other causes? Who knows. I'm going to put "unarticulated thoughts" down as the primary candidate, and also "my body hates me". Took some benadryl, we'll see if that helps me sleep.

I think I have it... For some reason, the last couple times I've had a morning exam, I haven't been able to get to sleep until after 4. This is bad. Peter on 2-4 hours of sleep is not a Peter who is ready to take tests. Even easy ones, like my CS midterm. I think I still did okay on the physics GRE, but I probably could've done better.

I'm not entirely convinced, however, that it's just testing. My sleep schedule has been erratic since the last few days of midterms, so there could be something else going on. In the past, unarticulated thoughts hovering at the back of my mind have been responsible... Or it could just be a self-reinforcing cycle, and so all I'd need is to break it (which would imply that the nap I took today was probably a bad idea, since I would otherwise be very tired tonight around 10-11, and go to sleep and get back on a normal schedule). We'll see if I can't somehow get back to normal.

Just thought I'd say that a) Nerf guns are awesome, and b) I have awesome rommates for getting Nerf guns for the quad.

I don't claim to be a very good lead. I tend to flair out my elbows, losing the connection. And I am often indecisive, with my thoughts of "why don't I lead X" sort of only half translating into the appropriate motion.

I think the language of Leads and Follows from social dancing applies almost equally well to romantic interactions (especially in the early stages). Among other things, social convention seems to dictate that the man usually takes the lead. In addition, there's the idea of connection, a line of communication between the partners that is important both for good dancing and good relationships. A lot of the communication that does go on is more in the form of suggestion. "I'd like if you did this" or "why don't we try that". Nothing is required, but desires are still communicated.

I bring it up as the result of what I am now considering a largely failed date, out to a swing dance. It's her first time swinging, so I can't blame her for a lack of skill, but I feel like there may be more to it than that. The full story goes back all the way to sophomore spring. She was in my arabic class, and cute. The repeating pattern goes something like this: I ask her on a date. She's busy. After much effort, we eventually find something that works. We go out, have a reasonably good time. Then, she falls of the face of the earth for weeks or months at a time, usually owing to her being incredibly busy. Wash, rinse, repeat. I'm at the point now where I'm tired of being left uncertain what her interest is. Because ultimately, it doesn't seem like she's interested enough to prioritize me over work. Really what I think it comes down to, though, is poor following on her part. I have tried to send signals, and I don't know whether she gets them, or whether she does and just lacks the skill to execute what she wants to do properly.

In the end, just a someone who can't (or doesn't) follow isn't as fun to dance with as someone who knows what they're doing, with the appropriate transformation of meanings, they're not as fun to date, either. So I think I'm ready to move on. I thought I had moved on since before the most recent cycle of confusion, but I'm at a stage in my life where if I perceive interest, I follow it. I don't think there's any smoke and mirrors at work here... just plain incompetence. Applying Hanlon's Razor, I have no hard feelings, but independent of the cause, it's my considered opinion that it's not worth pursuing any more.

A question to those of you who have dated me (a category highly enriched among those who read this), how much would you say you've "back-led" in our relationship (on a scale from 1-10, or in words if you'd prefer)? I never, ever claim to be any good at leading, but I do try. How much of what seems to me to be success has been just carefully masked efforts on your part?

As usual, life is busy. I'm doing a fairly good job keeping my head above water. The only problem is, I haven't really started on my Peace Corps or Teach for America essays. This needs to happen sooner or later, but life is sort of in the mode where there's other work to be done, and so I don't work on this, even though I probably do have time.

Last weekend, I exercised the "try meat if it looks good" clause of the vegetarianism resolution. It was a roast duck risotto. In my omnivorous days, I really enjoyed meats not from the big three (chicken, beef, pork). Lamb is incredible, duck is good, etc. etc. Maybe it was poor execution, but this wasn't that exciting, palate-wise. I think I won't have much trouble sticking to this resolution, at least while I'm still being fed at Terrace.

Fall break plans are up in the air. Originally, the plan was to go to Martha's Vineyard with Thomas, Wiley, Helen, Maria, and Porter. Then we changed to Florida. Then, one by one, everyone (except, as far as I know, Wiley) dropped out. So I dunno. I have tickets, but since it's a sunk cost, I'm wondering if I still want to go. I can get some of the value back if I fly on jet blue again in the next year (which seems reasonable). The rest is a sunk cost, but since most of the above are going to be on campus, I can probably just guilt them into getting me food for at least part of the time, and that will make up for some of it too. Will going to florida make me more relaxed? Hard to say, hard to say. I'll talk to Thomas, see what he thinks. Money is only good if it makes you or someone you care about happy.

I've taken to reading short stories before going to sleep. I have a collection of Marquez's stories, and a collection of Philip K. Dick stories, and I read a couple until I get too tired to read any more, and then I go to sleep. It's been a good system for me, and the short story is an ideal length to be reading, given how hectic college life is. If I don't read for a couple nights, I don't lose my place in any plot.

Speaking of sleep, I should do that (after I read).

Things are going well after 2.2 weeks of class. I'm mostly settled into a routine, I've got a thesis advisor, and I don't have too much work. Generally, I feel good about this year. I suspect it may have been a bad idea to get into another play, but what the heck... You only live once.

Today I went to the Swing Club. They have free lessons (at a marginally inconvenient time, but I think it'll work). That is, in fact, where my exercise credit came from (also, I'll give myself one from the rehearsal right afterwards, but I don't really need two, and they expire in 12 hours, so yeah). Learned the Lindy Circle, I think. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but it was pretty fun. I think I will continue going in the future.

Resolution Roundup:
1. Service: not so hot. I thought I signed up for the SVC spam list, but I haven't actually gotten anything from it yet, so maybe I didn't. I've decided that hours undone will get added to the next month's balance, plus 50%. So, I now have 10 hours to do in October.
2. LJing only with exercise: So far so good.
3. Pocket Journal: High's and Low's has fallen to a roughly weekly thing (I do it in church, usually), but it's definitely been helpful to have things to write with and on.
4. Artistry: I got a guitar, and have been spending a few hours a week trying to teach myself chords (I can now reliably produce C, G, F, and Am). Harder is moving between them with any speed, but that will come with practice I'm sure.
5. If-I-can't-see-meat-I'll-eat-it-ianism: So far so good.

Hmm... Nothing else to add, really. Life is good, but busy. I'm not behind on anything yet, but not as ahead as I'd ideally like to be. But still, not bad. Now bed so I can be coherent tomorrow.

First two days of classes have been on the intense side. The first day was fine. One class, then I did some supplies shopping, and then went to the gym, lifted weights for a bit, then went for a jog. Damn, I'm out of shape. I made it down to the tow path, but fairly slowly, then kinda walk/jogged back up. I need to do this more often. Also, stretch before hand. Me calves have been killing me all day.

Today was kind of crazy. Class from 10-4:30, with only an hour break (I've done worse schedules). Quantum was fine, except for the fact that, upon receiving the problem set (due this thursday... who does that??), I looked at it and realized I had no idea how to do it. The lecture made perfect sense, but the problem set was total bafflement. I guess this is what happens when you don't take QM for a year between the first and second courses in the series. It's mostly all come back to me, now, and I'm mostly done (after a problem session), but there's a fair amount of slogging through algebra that I still need to do. I really don't like problems that are like: "Part a: Do this the hard way, so you can see just how awful it can be. Part b: Use one formula that makes the problem take 3 minutes". It just seems like hazing.

I feel really bad... partly 'cause of food coma stuff, I ended up drifting off in MOL455. It was mostly biology recap, but I'm not sure how much I missed. Afterwards, I ran into Nikolai, an old Integrated TA, and he may have a senior thesis idea for me. Awesome! I'm meeting with him on friday to hash things out. I don't know what he has in mind, but knowing him it's probably fairly computational, and there may even be room for some lab based stuff. Pretty much exactly what I'm looking for.

Came back to the room, started browsing through Griffiths, then, through my giant picture window, I saw people slacklining, so I said "Fuck Quantum," and went out to join them (which, bee tee dubs, is the exercise which earned me this entry). Lots of fun. I'm almost to the point where I can stand up on my own and balance. Well, I can stand up on my own, and balance, but only for about 3 seconds. But I'm getting better, and one of the people there said it's a more or less linear improvement with time invested, as opposed to something with quantum leaps.